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A Parent's Guide to Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
A practical guide to Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. Gottman.
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Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: A Summary of Gottman's Method
You love your child more than anything, but when faced with a screaming tantrum or a silent teenager, that love does not always turn into a clear plan. If you miss these key moments, your child may struggle more with resilience and self-control, but if you meet them well, you build trust and help them grow skills that support them for life.
Key Takeaway
This article summarizes the proven framework from Dr. John Gottman's landmark book Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, giving you a clear process to turn moments of conflict into opportunities for connection and lifelong resilience.
Why Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child Feels So Hard
You want to raise a kind and resilient child, but in stressful moments, it’s easy to fall back on old habits that create distance instead of connection. The problem isn’t a lack of love. It’s not knowing exactly how to respond when emotions run high. True success means working through three main challenges.
Internal Barriers
Your own feelings (like guilt, a need for control, or fear) can get in the way. These internal triggers can unconsciously block you from offering the empathy your child needs most.
Unproductive Habits
Without a reliable method, you might accidentally dismiss their feelings ("You're fine"), disapprove of them ("Stop crying"), or offer comfort without guidance, which is known as the Laissez-Faire trap.
Developmental Mismatch
Each stage of childhood needs a different kind of support. What works for a toddler won’t always help a teen. If your approach doesn’t grow with your child, you can lose influence and weaken their trust in you.
Lesson 1: Lay the Foundation for Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
What This Is
This first step is about building a strong connection with your child and practicing emotional skills during calm moments. Think of it as emotional exercise and scaffolding that helps your child learn how to manage feelings.
Why It Matters
Discipline and emotional coaching work best when they rest on a warm relationship. When a child feels seen, understood, and close to you, they are more open to guidance.
How You Can Use It
Commit to one or two of these foundational practices regularly. They are the core exercises in your Emotion Coaching Action Plan.
The first exercise is for you:
- Use the Emotion Log. Spend five minutes a day writing down what you felt as a parent (like anger, guilt, or worry) and what sparked it. This helps you notice patterns and respond thoughtfully, not reactively, so you can coach them through their feelings, instead of “losing control.” When you do lose your cool, a simple apology shows emotional intelligence and rebuilds trust.
Examples (Toggle for More)
- Less Productive: Your 5-year-old, Alex, snatches a toy from his sibling, who starts crying. Your own stress from a long day boils over. You shout, "Alex, that's it! Give it back and go to your room!" The reaction comes from frustration, not from understanding Alex’s feelings.
- More Productive: Alex grabs the toy. You feel annoyance but pause. Because you’ve used your Emotion Log, you recognize this feeling as your own fatigue, not just Alex’s behavior. That pause helps you handle your feelings before you guide Alex calmly. And if you do raise your voice, you can say, “I’m sorry I yelled,” to repair the moment.
Other Foundational Exercises (Toggle for More)
- Create a Mental Map
Build a mental map to prevent disconnection by learning their friends' names, asking about their teachers, and knowing their favorite activities. This exercise makes your child feel known and valued.
You can then ask Alex, "How did your science project with Ava go today?"
- Use Physical Play as Practice
Practice emotional regulation through roughhousing. Start with high-energy play before guiding them back to a calm state. This teaches them how to down-regulate their bodies with you as their guide.
After a fun wrestling match, you say, "Okay Alex, let's take three slow, deep breaths together to calm our bodies down."
- Read Books About Feelings
Use books to teach emotional vocabulary in a low-pressure setting. Read a story, pause to ask about a character's feelings, and connect it to their life.
While reading, you can ask Alex, "That dragon seems frustrated. Have you ever felt that way?"
Lesson 2: Fix Unproductive Habits to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child
What This Is
This is Gottman's proven 5-step method for navigating any emotional situation. It provides a reliable roadmap so you can connect with and guide your child effectively, avoiding common parenting traps.
Why It Matters
This process prevents you from validating feelings without setting limits (Laissez-Faire) or setting limits without validating (Disapproving). It combines empathy and guidance: the essential formula for building emotional intelligence. This is true even when your child is in the wrong, constructive feedback is more effective when you start with empathy.
How You Can Use It
Use the Connection Script, a core part of the Emotion Coaching Action Plan. This tool gives you a clear sequence to follow: acknowledge the feeling, validate it, label it, and then set limits.
Example (Toggle for More)
The Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
Step | Productive Example | Less Productive Example | Reasoning |
1. Become aware of your child's emotion. | Noticing a child’s furrowed brow, tense jaw, or tapping foot and realizing they feel anxious or frustrated before they say a word. | Ignoring a child’s mild moods, like sulking, and only paying attention when the emotion grows into a tantrum or meltdown. | Parents who notice small emotional cues can step in early before emotions grow intense. |
2. Recognize the emotion as a chance to connect and teach. | Seeing a child’s anger over a broken toy as a chance to bond, show empathy, and teach coping skills. Remind yourself: "This is a chance to connect and build resilience." | Treating a child’s sadness as a problem to fix or seeing their anger as disrespect. | Ignoring or avoiding emotions often makes things worse, while understanding them helps the feelings fade. |
3. Listen with empathy and validate what the child feels. | Parent: “You wish Grandma sent you a package too. That probably makes you feel a little jealous.” or "I wish we could do that too. Wouldn't it be great if...?” | Parent: “When your birthday comes, Grandma will send you something too.” | Empathy means reflecting the feeling so the child knows it’s okay to have it or engaging in their wish. |
4. Help the child find words for the emotion. | “You feel sad, don’t you?” or “It sounds like you feel tense.” Helping a child tell the difference between “angry,” “hurt,” or “jealous.” | Telling the child how they should feel—like saying, “You’re not hurt, just tired”—or trying to stop the feeling right away. | Naming a feeling helps calm the body and mind. |
5. Set limits while exploring ways to solve the problem. | “You’re mad, but it’s not okay to hit. What could you do instead? Which is fair for everyone? or "Do you want to ask for a turn, or play with something else for now." ”That’s a great way to share!” | Punishing the child for hitting or forcing them to apologize without talking about what happened. | This process is a kind of scaffolding. You are not fixing the problem for them, but giving just enough help so they can solve it on their own. Key tools include encouraging them to come up with solutions, provide choices, and giving them positive feedback. |
Lesson 3: Avoid Developmental Mismatch While Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
What This Is
This strategy involves adapting your coaching style as your child grows. Your role must evolve from a hands-on "Manager" for a toddler to a trusted "Consultant" for a teenager.
Why It Matters
Using toddler tactics as your child grows makes you seem out of touch and destroys their trust.
How You Can Use It
Use the Parenting Style Quick-Guide, the final piece of the Emotion Coaching Action Plan. This guide offers age-specific tactics so you can adapt your approach and maintain your influence as your child matures.
Examples (Toggle for More)
- Less Productive: Ten years later, 15-year-old Alex is upset about a conflict with a friend. You jump in to "fix it" by calling the friend's parents, just like you would have done when he was five. Alex is mortified and stops confiding in you.
- More Productive: You see 15-year-old Alex is upset. Using the Parenting Style Quick-Guide, you shift to a "consultant" role. You say, "You seem down. I'm here if you want to talk about it." You give him space, and he later comes to you for advice because he feels respected.
Other Techniques to Consider (Toggle for More)
- Allow Safe Mistakes
Let your teenager develop resilience by allowing them to make low stakes choices in areas like their friendships, fashion, or music.
When Alex wants to spend his allowance on a concert you dislike, you let him make his own choice about the purchase.
- Provide Other Trusted Adults
Give your teen more support by actively encouraging them to talk with a trusted relative, a family friend, or a coach.
You can tell Alex, "I know you and Uncle Jack are close, he's always available if you want to talk about anything."
For more, check out Dr. John Gottman's book Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child
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FAQ: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
What are the signs of an emotionally intelligent child?
An emotionally intelligent child can recognize and label their own feelings, show empathy, manage their emotional responses, self-soothe when upset, and navigate social situations effectively. Gottman's research found these children have better friendships, higher academic scores, and even fewer illnesses.
Is there any specific advice for fathers?
Yes. It is important for fathers to be involved in all aspects of parenting, not just the fun activities. Avoid the "Disneyland Dad" trap by consistently engaging in the day-to-day work of emotion coaching, which builds deeper and more meaningful connections.
How do you teach a child to regulate their emotions?
The core method is Emotion Coaching. When a child is upset, you first validate their feeling ("It's okay to be sad") and help them name it ("You feel disappointed"). Then, you set limits on behavior ("but it's not okay to throw toys") and help them find a more productive way to solve the problem.
What if naming my child's feeling makes them more frustrated?
When labeling an emotion seems to make a child more upset, it often means they don’t feel fully understood yet. The best step is to pause, stop labeling, and return to simple, caring listening.
- Stay quiet and give your full attention, since your calm presence alone can show deep understanding. A simple hug or a hand on their back can communicate more acceptance than words.
- Use plain observations rather than questions; instead of asking why they feel that way, say something like “I can see you’re really upset about this.”
- Before responding, notice whether you’re trying to fix their feelings or speed past your own discomfort, because children can sense that pressure.
When should you NOT use Emotion Coaching?
Gottman advises against using it when you are pressed for time, have an audience (it works best one-on-one), are too upset or tired yourself, or need to address serious misbehavior like lying immediately. Handle the situation first and return to the emotional coaching later.
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