Independent Sleep: Our Biggest Lessons

🔴 Low

🟢 High

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🟡 Medium

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🟡 Medium

🟡 Medium

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Hand expressed to collect colostrum before birth at 37 weeks. Although the initial yield was low, we tried various methods—such as specific foods, heating, and massage—and with luck and persistence successfully expressed a total of 24 mL before Leo's birth.

By the time he arrived, we had ample colostrum to feed him immediately. Transition milk started to come in on day three.

We strongly suspect that colostrum collection contributed to a strong and immediate milk supply, as Leo regained his birth weight within one week.

After birth: Hand expressed for about 5 minutes 5 times a day. Kaiser shared research saying these hand expressions increases breastmilk supply by 130%.

I believe a well-fed baby is much more likely to sleep. Fortunately my wife had a strong supply and was dedicated to frequent feeds despite the pain and exhaustion that can come with exclusive breastfeeding and cluster feeds.

🟢 High

🐮Feed

Used bassinet “test” to encourage full feeds, employing gentle stimulation (hand expression while baby’s latched, wet wipes) to keep baby engaged (and not asleep) during feeds. However, at some point, we believe this approach made him overfull and gave him discomfort and reflux, as we detail below.

🟢 High

🐮Feed

Plenty of skin to skin during every breastfeeding session. I write this as a medium because we don’t know exactly how this helps with breastfeeding, but there’s a lot of literature saying this is important. We also practiced skin to skin as soon as Leo was born in the delivery room.

🟡 Medium

🐮Feed

We focused on consuming foods with evidence supporting milk production, such as oatmeal and tree nuts, while ensuring sufficient calorie intake and staying well-hydrated using cups with large straws.

We were incredibly fortunate to have Alicia’s parents come stay with us, as they were able to help us cook an ensure Alicia got adequate nutrition.

Although the evidence was weak, we also had Alicia eat dates, as there was some indication they could lead to a smoother delivery. Ultimately, I rate this as a medium impact since I cannot definitively determine its effectiveness.

🟡 Medium

🐮Feed

We prioritized light exposure during the day by going outside to encourage longer nighttime sleep. At night, we dimmed the lights and spoke softly.

🟢 High

💤 Sleep

Introduced a sequence of white noise, singing, swaying, and shushing for a few minutes before putting down to create sleep associations.

Noticed impact after a couple of weeks where we would do the sleep routine and it would immediately cause the baby to yawn.

🟢 High
⏰ Delay

💤 Sleep

Established safe sleep practices, like using a bassinet, sleeping on back, not putting any items in the crib, breastfeeding on a flat low surface in case of dozing off, and avoiding temptations to cosleep in the same bed.

I rate this as minimal impact on sleep because while these are crucial foundational practices for independent sleep, but these likely promoted crying and discomfort.

🔴 Low

💤 Sleep

Created a checklist in google calendar of key exercises to do everyday

• Prenatal yoga a few times a week, 5x a week prelabor stretches, e.g., widening the hips; pregnancy ball exercises
• Active. E.g., swam up until 38 weeks and frequent walks. Still worked on home remodeling and yard projects
• Breathing exercises and lamaze techniques (e.g., low-pitched ).
• Perineal massage and kegels
• Physical therapy exercises: resistance band targeting traps, 15-10 pound weights targeting upper back and shoulders, foam roller (until it wasn’t safe); lat pulldowns

I add this because we strongly suspect all this helped alicia have a smoother
• pregnancy. She previously had a lot of headaches and back pain, which actually dissipated during pregnancy once she did these exercises.
• delivery. She delivered in less than 1 hour when we got to the hospital)
• recovery. Her smooth recovery helped her have the energy to breastfeed consistently after delivery.

We heard from friends that did C-sections or other items that it severely weakened them and reduced their ability to breastfeed

🟢 High

💪 Other

• Chose a hospital that had a strong NICU and maternal health ward in case anything went wrong, even though it was further away.

• Found a doula that helped us stay out of the hospital longer where alicia did a ton of labor exercises. Identified strong evidence base for doula’s reduction C-sections and recovery complications

• Asked to stay at a friend’s place less than 5 minutes away from the hospital and left to go there as soon as alicia had minor contractions. We didn’t want to drive while there was higher stress. Prepped a go bag early and had everything in the car to reduce stress day of

🟢 High

💪 Other

Established a consistent wake cycle routine to ensure his comfort: fresh diaper, active play, thorough burping, upright hold for 15 minutes.

🟢 High

💪 Other

Used the app to track feeding habits, monitor patterns, and ensure consistency around feeds and sleep

🟢 High

⚒️ Ops

Tracked wake and sleep times and feeding amounts to identify patterns in a sheet. Helped create initial predictability but became cumbersome and was eventually stopped.

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⚒️ Ops

We frequently heard advice that you can’t spoil a baby, that babies can’t learn to self soothe until 3 or 4 months, that you can’t overfeed a breast fed baby.While there’s likely truth to all of these ideas, they’re averages.

Because of this advice, we initially overlooked signs from our baby that there was something wrong or didn’t give Leo safe opportunities to learn and try earlier. It’s incredibly easy to compare to what other people are doing and follow what they do, and then worry about why it’s not working for us, then get frustrated.We adopted a new mindset “Focus on what safely works for our family” in the next phase.

❌ Negative

⚒️ Ops

🟡 Medium

🟡 Medium

🔴 Low

🔴 Low

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🟢 High

🟢 High

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🟡 Medium

As I explained above, we started to question this was a good idea. We couldn’t easily tell the difference and worried we were overfeeding him and causing him discomfort that prevented him from napping and sleeping.

❌ Negative

🐮Feed

Employed the Koala hold, diligent burping (multiple positions), having him be upright for at least 10 minutes, and stomach massage to alleviate gas; significantly reduced discomfort and crying, helping him get calmer for his naps.

🟢 High

🐮Feed

We adopted a 'feed-play-sleep' cycle to reduce feeding frequency and address concerns about overfeeding and reflux.

Observing our baby's discomfort during and after feeds prompted us to decrease the amount we fed, letting go of the “agitation” methods we mentioned in the first phase.

While this helped in the short term, letting go of the feed entirely before sleep made us lose an incredibly valuable calming technique that we resurfaced later in the next phase.

We often reflect on this experience as 'throwing the baby out with the bathwater,' as we failed to carefully distinguish between the beneficial aspects (like his success with naps when feeds were close to sleep in the first few weeks) and the negative ones.

❌ Negative

🐮Feed

Used weighted feeds initially to better gauge actual hunger levels. This helped us not overfeed so he’d be calmer for naps and ultimately find an optimal feed amount so he could be sated enough to sleep.

🟢 High

🐮Feed

Shifted the baby's bedtime earlier (closer to 7 pm) to promote longer stretches of nighttime sleep; required moving the entire bedtime routine earlier. "Putting him down earlier, closer to 7 am versus 10. Impact: High."

🟢 High

💤 Sleep

We tried wake windows and efficient feeding techniques to reduce overtiredness and promote focused feeding. This focus allowed feeding sessions to decrease from 30-60 minutes to just 5-10 minutes.

Faster feeds were critical because it gave us more time to do developmental and key activities (diaper, etc) that are essential to him getting comfortable and clean ready for his sleep routine in time.

While Alicia's significant increase in supply was a major factor, we noticed a sudden improvement in efficiency over just one day, telling us the gains were not solely due to increased supply.

🟢 High

💤 Sleep

Encouraged hand sucking during tummy time and during sleep (have the chance/opportunity: sleeves no gloves no swaddle) to facilitate self-soothing skills; positive impact on sleep observed later.

🟢 High
⏰ Delay

💤 Sleep

While we did give him 5 minutes in the bassinet initially, it usually meant he would just cry for 5 minutes. This didn’t end up being effective until the next phase (see below)

🟢 High
⏰ Delay

💤 Sleep

Used swings and gliders to reliably calm the baby; recognized as a difficult crutch due to difficulty transferring the baby to the bassinet and safety concerns.

The Graco glider in particular has been helpful for getting him back to sleep on off days when he's overtired or wakes up early. We prefer this over babywearing, as it provides a separate space where we can safely monitor him without feeling constrained.

🟡 Medium

💤 Sleep

Establishing a consistent wake-up and bedtime provided more structure to the day but did not immediately translate into greater sleep independence.

🟡 Medium

💤 Sleep

Implemented a graduated series of interventions before breastfeeding, starting with observation and progressing to shushing, patting, and briefly picking up; initially minimal impact, but became more effective during night wake-ups.

🟡 Medium
⏰ Delay

💤 Sleep

Leo would also no longer nap by himself. The only reliable way we got hi to nap was to hold him until he slept. While this was initially helpful, we believe this ultimately created dependence on external sleep aids; experimented with various rescue methods (e.g., "fake" co-sleeping, carriers).

❌ Negative

💤 Sleep

Relying solely on the baby's cues for sleep (yawning, staring off to space) timing resulted in inconsistent wake and sleep hours, leading to prolonged crying; shifted to establishing a consistent wake-up and bedtime.

❌ Negative

💤 Sleep

Employing a pacifier to help calm the baby initially, but it would keep falling out. I even bought a bib that would keep the pacifier in, but it wasn’t consistently helping and he’d rarely fall asleep.

🔴 Low

💤 Sleep

Tried warming the crib sheet and using gentle vibration; discontinued due to unreliable effectiveness.

🔴 Low

💤 Sleep

This seemed to agitate him, making him the opposite of calm before naps

❌ Negative

💤 Sleep

This is the opposite of the above mindset “Believing there’s a one size fits all for every baby.”Instead, we focused on what worked for our family. Rather than believing that self-soothing and sleep training were only possible after 3-4 months, we allowed our baby opportunities to suck his hand or settle himself to sleep after fussing. To our surprise, he began sucking his hand by the start of month two!We also addressed the specific challenges that concerned us, refusing to accept them as inevitable due to our baby’s age.

Finally, we recognized that not everyone has the same preferences, such as co-sleeping, or feels burdened by the need to hold their baby for naps.

Ultimately, we validated our experiences and experimented with safe strategies that suited us. This empowered us to approach problem-solving intentionally while ensuring safety.

Ensuring safety when introducing new products or interventions involved checking for recalls and consulting AI, such as Open Evidence, or pediatricians about potential risks

🟢 High

⚒️ Ops

• Set daily or weekly time to clarify a challenge statement, root causes, and brainstorm solutions: intentionally discuss in the morning or otherwise.

• On a weekly basis, we scored ourselves from 1-5 on key outcomes we cared about (similar to the outcomes you see above).

• We regularly reflecting on gratitude and wins to maintain a positive mindset and reframed challenges as opportunities or as an indication of something to be grateful for.

"It’s been awesome to see Leo’s progress with sleep - going from crying immediately upon being placed in bassinet to now being calm and cooing himself for a period and then falling asleep, and also putting himself back to sleep when he startled awake. So so so amazing”

🟢 High

⚒️ Ops

It’s two steps forward one step sideways. We would have some progress and then he’d revert. We had to practice consistency and follow through and see progress after applying something for at least a week.

Although this concept is true, I rated it a medium because simply remembering it wasn’t as impactful on my mental health as actively reflecting on gratitude and progress, and reframing challenges.

🟡 Medium

⚒️ Ops

🟢 High

🟢 High

🔴 Low

🔴 Low

🔴 Low

🟢 High

🟢 High

🟢 High

🟢 High

🟢 High

We attempted a true 'cry it out' method once, but it was a regrettable experience. He cried loudly for about 10-15 minutes, which was overwhelming for us.

Afterward, we focused on better ways to calm him before putting him down to set him up for success.

The ideas below are that exploration.

❌ Negative

💤 Sleep

The first thing we tried (after being prompted by a friend and remembering his naps in phase one) was to try to feed him before putting him down for a nap.

We also re-introduced one “agitation” method which was to put him in the bassinet. If he looked irritated when we did that, that was enough to agitate him and wake him up from his drowsiness, and he’d be eager to eat more soon after.

We noticed this got him really calm, likely because he got fuller, and reduced his crying significantly!

Additionally, we realized feed to sleep association may be the lesser of two evils. We realized we could wean from this later versus being “nap trapped” babywearing him around to get him to nap.

🟢 High

🐮Feed

We implemented a 'fuss it out' strategy, starting with the initial put-down for naps and later connecting sleep cycles. This approach allowed our baby to self-soothe for brief periods. Although we initially had concerns about the emotional impact, it ultimately yielded positive results.

The key to success here was: (a) getting the baby as calm and relaxed as possible; (b) consistency, (c) along with he various strategies I list in this table.

For instance, during an early nap, he managed to put himself to sleep after 10-15 minutes of fussing, providing us with early wins that encouraged us. Once this strategy was established, we noticed a significant change in his cries; he only cried when he genuinely needed something, like when he had a lingering burp, after which he would sleep as soon as we laid him down. Occasionally, he would require a quick pick-up and put-down before settling back to sleep.

To connect sleep cycles during naps, we used a mini fuss-it-out approach for 15-20 minutes, interspersed with self-soothing techniques.

🟢 High

💤 Sleep

Initially, using wake windows was cumbersome, as we manually set timers for each cycle, making it easy to forget.

Our efficiency improved significantly after purchasing an Alexa. We set up routines to provide timer reminders with simple verbal commands, allowing us to preprogram the desired wake window, which we adjusted weekly or biweekly. This automated the reminders for breastfeeding, diaper changes, playtime, and sleep routines.

Additionally, we focused on putting him down around the 45-60 minute mark, sometimes before he showed obvious signs of sleep, like yawning. This approach helped him become calmer and fuss less before napping

🟢 High

💤 Sleep

As time went on and patterns stabilized, weighted feeds become less crucial and became a time suck.

However, we recognized the important role the weight played when we lacked data about how much the baby was eating due to changing variables (e.g., sleeping longer, hand expressing less, etc). By tracking this, we could identify if there was a strong connection to the baby’s ability to nap or sleep overnight with fewer wakeups.

🟡 Medium

🐮Feed

• Resisting the urge to intervene immediately when the baby wakes up. "In the middle of that he actually woke up but i didnt do anything and watched him on camera and he fell back asleep himself!"
• Reminders (paper cover on phone). Easy to forget in the middle of night. might accidentally go to him immediately (esp in middle of night) automatically.

• To reduce the mental burden of knowing if we should intervene or not immediately, we came up with checklists:
- key things to look for when we noticed crying after this. (e.g., # of burps before put down, time between feed to put down, overtired - time from wake to put down, fullness - how much he ate). After, in general, we attempt to try the soothing ladder.
- we also had a rule of thumb for how much we’d let him cry (for instance, if it’s a hard cry, no more than 30 seconds to one minute. Moderate cry: 5 minutes, Light crying or fussing: 15 minutes, No crying - up to an hour.)

🟢 High

💤 Sleep

We noticed that us being in the room seemed to agitate him way more. He’d seemed to be calling out for us. When we decided to leave the room, he’d calm down, while monitor closely via your baby monitor. Drowsy he actually kicks around or falls back asleep without us.

"I need to leave the room! Baby does not cry when he wakes up when im not there, he only just kicks around, looks around, and occasionally yelps. Thats it! Andddddd sometimes he even falls back asleep! This happened today"

🟢 High

💤 Sleep

Reimplemented drowsy but awake after it kept resulting him immediately sleeping but immediately waking him up in 5-10 minutes and then start crying and wouldn’t go down in the time frames we set for ourselves. In the middle of the night, instead of feeling like we have to hold him to sleep, we can put him down and he’ll eventually self settle and sleep.

🟢 High

💤 Sleep

While it wasn’t initially helpful during naps, we realize it’s important to think about its role/function. Soothing ladder helps us understand if he’s truly hungry. and it’s helped us stretch out his feeding sessions at night.

🟢 High

💤 Sleep

Over time, we added additional items to the routine that he seemed to like and got him more calm. Like a scalp massage or reading a certain books.

🟡 Medium

💤 Sleep

Overnight crib - good for future independent sleep. We introduced it slowly by starting with one nap and then gave it to him completely. We also noticed the mattress is way comfier than the bassinet.

If we could do it over again, we’d like not use a bassinet at all, and just start with the crib.

🟡 Medium

💤 Sleep

Cap his daytime naps (no more than 1.5 to 2 hours). We heard naps over 2 hours will take away from his overnight sleep. We saw some correlation with that where he slept less overnight when he had longer naps

🟡 Medium

💤 Sleep

We started with naps before extending to overnight sleep. Initially, he didn't like the crib, but he adjusted after a few days, especially once we allowed him to play in it. His first 'successful' independent nap lasted about 30 minutes, during which he wasn't crying for long. We decided to give it more time, applying techniques like 'crib hour,' which typically starts around months 3-5. Around the 40-minute mark, he finally fell asleep.

🟡 Medium

💤 Sleep

Correlated with him sleeping better for naps. If his circadian rhythms has been normalizing (as it has been for him - he tends to sleep way more at night), having a dark space can reduce the chances of him getting startled and waking up.

🟡 Medium

💤 Sleep

We abandoned the swaddle because it seemed to agitate him a lot. The sleep slack doesn’t constrain his arms and it feels more cushioned and warm. We noticed he seemed to complain less with this.

🟡 Medium

💤 Sleep

This not only helps him expend energy, making him 'more tired' for sleep, but I also learned that it promotes self-soothing behaviors, which can manifest as body movement during sleep.

Over time, we observed an improvement in his ability to shift his body. His tummy time duration improved from crying immediately to about 5 minutes without distress, thanks to scaffolding techniques. Additionally, reading stories with varied intonations and funny voices during tummy time helped distract him, allowing for longer sessions

🟡 Medium

💪 Other

Basically, after changing his diaper, we’d give him another opportunity to poo and pee. This typically meant that the baby would rarely wake up with a poopy diaper, perhaps meaning he was more comfortable while sleeping and less likely to complain.

🟡 Medium

💪 Other

Break down challenging changes into smaller steps and building off or weaving in things that are working or that he likes.We were particularly concerned about acclimating Leo to the crib before he reached 19 pounds, as he is in the 95th percentile for weight. Friends advised us that they typically transition to the crib alongside sleep training and moving to a different room.Rather than combining all these changes at once, we decided to take it step by step.We began with independent sleep, followed by allowing him to play in the crib in his current bedroom. Next, we introduced one nap in the crib, then gradually increased to more naps, followed by overnight sleep. Now, he sleeps entirely in the crib. This approach means that when we eventually move the crib to a new room, he'll only face one major challenge instead of three at once

🟢 High

⚒️ Ops

• AI — Using NotebookLM and finding sources like Open Evidence to ask questions and ideate. Take in our journal of reflections, various parenting resources we came across, and ask it “questions.” It’s helpful to constrain our answers to a validated database or to crawl our prior reflections and thoughts. Perplexity is good too, but I often worry about accuracy and credibility of the information it draws from.• Relevant advice sources - We discovered friends with similar experiences had more relevant advice. We found that asking those with babies who were good independent sleepers from the get go wasn't helpful, as they made it seem so easy (”they just followed their babies cues and they slept.”) . Similarly, asking friends whose babies were not good independent sleepers could confuse us since they may have had different goals (e.g., willingness to cosleep or hold their baby to sleep). Instead, we gained valuable insights from friends who initially faced challenges but eventually found solutions.

🟢 High

⚒️ Ops

Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater (no pun intended).

Initially, we abandoned full feeds, including feeding to sleep, because we were scared that it was doing Leo harm.

But later realized we used binary, black and white thinking in that emotionally-driven decision, without clear evidence around what was specifically the culprit.

Instead, we realized the last feed before sleep was crucial for calming him. It would have been better to maintain full feeds while weighing him, allowing for precise measurements without overfeeding, while still benefiting from that calming last feed.

We also focused on avoiding feeding before sleep, following advice that it created a sleep association counterproductive to independent sleep. As a result, we overlooked feeding to sleep, even though it had been successful for naps during our initial phase.

Ultimately, we learned to be pragmatic about sleep associations. Instead of viewing them as strictly good or bad, we created a framework for the associations we were willing to manage to set him up for success. Once he achieved milestones like independent sleep without needing rescue or babywearing, we could gradually wean him off associations like feeding to sleep.

🟢 High

⚒️ Ops

Set one experimental session each day for a new high-risk activity that could disrupt his sleep and make it overtired if it went wrong throughout the entire dayThis has happened before, where we tried something new during the first nap, and it had a cascading effect on the whole dayIf you are trying out new sleep techniques, using "banking naps," where you ensure baby gets sufficient daytime sleep, may prevent escalating overtiredness. This can help create more controlled sleep sessions, where you can experiment with techniques when the baby isn't already overtired.

🟢 High

⚒️ Ops