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The Top 5 Green Flags in a Friendship to Look For
Tired of draining friendships? Learn the 5 green flags in a friendship that signal deep, energizing connections.
This is part of a series about personal topics (relationships, mental health, etc)
The 5 Green Flags in a Friendship That Signal a Promising Connection
Ever leave a hangout feeling more drained than when you arrived?
You’re not alone. Many people feel isolated and stuck in friendships that take more than they give. You want genuine connection, but it can seem like your limited social energy keeps going to the wrong people.
Real friendship isn’t luck. There are clear green flags that show when a connection is worth your time.
This article isn’t about finding perfect people. It’s a simple checklist to help you spot signs of friendships that lift you up and grow with you.
Key Takeaways: The 5 Green Flags Checklist
- Green Flag #1: They Have a Growth-Oriented Worldview: They value character over status and discuss meaningful problems.
- Green Flag #2: They Tell Stories with Agency: They talk about challenges as an active participant, not a passive victim.
- Green Flag #3: Their Posture is Humble and Vulnerable: They admit imperfections and don't offer unsolicited advice.
Why Spotting Green Flags Matters for Friendships
Before we get to the checklist, it's critical to understand why so many conversations feel draining. It usually comes down to three hidden tensions. Recognizing these helps you see why the green flags are so powerful.
- Agency vs. Complaining: You feel drained by friends who frame problems as unchangeable facts ("My job is terrible"). You crave conversations with people who show agency by reflecting on their role and their efforts to change things ("I'm trying a new approach to deal with my difficult boss").
- The Fear of "Fixing": You hold back from sharing your real struggles because you're scared of getting unsolicited advice. You hate being lectured by people who shut down vulnerability with confident, unhelpful solutions instead of just listening.
- Surface-Level Values: It can feel difficult to connect, especially with men who are often socialized to prioritize work and material success. This makes it hard to find people who are open to discussing deeper topics like personal growth and values.
The Green Flags Checklist: 3 Signs of a Promising Friendship
Here are the three core areas to observe, broken down into five specific, observable green flags that predict an energizing and meaningful connection.
Strategy 1: Observe Their Worldview
- What This Is
- Green Flag #1: Values Orientation: They prioritize internal goals like character, relationships, and learning over external ones like money and status.
- Green Flag #2: Problem Selection: The challenges they talk about are substantive and related to growth (like social-emotional intelligence) rather than just logistical complaints (like traffic or picky eaters).
This is about listening for the values they praise and the problems they choose to discuss. It’s the fastest way to see if your fundamental worldviews align. This includes two key indicators:
- Why It's Critical
This is a powerful filter. People who value and discuss these deeper topics are self-selecting as individuals who have done the internal work required for a strong connection. It helps you quickly identify those who share your definition of a meaningful life, which is a huge predictor of long-term compatibility.
Examples (Toggle for More)
- Less Productive Example
A conversation is dominated by their recent promotion, the high cost of their vacation, and complaints about a restaurant reservation. The topics are entirely external.
- More Productive Example
They mention being impressed by how a coworker handled a difficult ethical dilemma, then share a challenge they're facing with teaching their kids about resilience. The topics are internal and values-driven.
Strategy 2: Observe Their Narrative
- What This Is
- Green Flag #3: Narrative of Agency: Their stories feature themselves as an active agent trying to learn and adapt ("I am trying X because..."), not a passive victim of circumstance.
This is about listening to how they tell stories about challenges. The structure of their story reveals their core mindset—whether they see themselves as an active protagonist or a passive victim.
- Why It's Critical
Identifying an agentic narrative is the single most reliable way to predict an energizing conversation. Agency shows a growth mindset and a sense of personal responsibility. It allows you to avoid the tired, drained feeling that comes from listening to fatalistic, repetitive complaining.
Examples (Toggle for More)
- Less Productive Example
When talking about a family issue, they say, "My brother will just never change. The situation is hopeless." They present the problem as a fixed, unchangeable fact.
- More Productive Example
They say, "My brother and I have very different communication styles. I'm trying to use 'I' statements to see if I can change the dynamic, even if he doesn't." They acknowledge the challenge but focus on their sphere of influence.
Strategy 3: Observe Their Posture
- What This Is
- Green Flag #4: Humility Markers: They signal awareness of their own limitations. They avoid offering "confident, matter-of-fact advice" and instead share their experience from a humble perspective.
- Green Flag #5: Vulnerability Signals: They openly share their own limitations, mistakes, or past regrets ("I wish I hadn't..."). This shows they see imperfection as normal.
This is about paying attention to how they handle knowledge and what they are willing to admit. Their posture signals whether they offer psychological safety or judgment.
- Why It's Critical
This is the key to feeling safe. When someone admits they don't have all the answers and is willing to be imperfect, it gives you implicit permission to do the same. This posture directly counters the fear of being "fixed" and creates the safe space required for a real connection to grow.
Examples (Toggle for More)
- Less Productive Example
You mention a parenting struggle, and they immediately say, "Oh, you just need to do this. It's not that hard." They adopt an expert posture and offer a quick fix.
- More Productive Example
You mention a parenting struggle, and they say, "That sounds so tough. I really struggled with that too. I wish I had been more patient back then. For what it's worth, here's something that kind of worked for me." They lead with vulnerability and humility.
Actionable Checklist: Scripts & Phrases
Here’s how to put the checklist into practice before, during, and after a conversation.
Step 0: Before the Conversation (Prime for Presence)
- Goal: Prepare yourself to be both a better observer and a more authentic participant.
- Action: Briefly review the 5 green flags. Pick one to focus on. Set an intention, like: "Tonight, I'll focus on listening for their Narrative of Agency" or "If it feels right, I will share one of my own Vulnerability Signals."
Step 1: During the Conversation (Diagnose in Real-Time)
- Goal: Use the 5 indicators as a mental background process to gauge compatibility.
- Phrases to Listen For (Green Flags):
- "I'm trying to..." / "I'm working on..." (Agency)
- "It made me realize that I..." (Reflection)
- "I wish I had..." / "A mistake I made was..." (Vulnerability)
- "This might not work for you, but..." (Humility)
Step 2: After the Conversation (Audit and Decide)
- Goal: Make a conscious choice about where to invest your energy next.
- Action: Ask yourself two quick questions:
- On a scale of 1-5, how many of the Growth Mindset green flags did I notice?
- How do I feel right now—energized or drained?
- Based on your answers, decide if you want to proactively seek out more time with this person.
Green Flags in a Friendship: The Toolkit
This framework gives you the strategy. If you’re ready to put it into practice, our Growth Mindset Friendship Toolkit can help you execute each step with precision.
- The Value Prop Checklist (Your First Step): A simple diagnostic to assess the core indicators from this article in your own friendships and identify your blind spots.
- The "Agency vs. Complaining" Diagnostic: A one-page guide with side-by-side examples to help you quickly distinguish between energizing and draining conversational patterns.
- The "Vulnerability Prompts" Guide: A collection of phrases (like the ones in the Appendix below) to help you gently initiate deeper, more meaningful conversations.
Get Your Free Toolkit
Put the framework into practice now with:
- A step-by-step Worksheet to guide your analysis
- Powerful AI Prompts to enhance your thinking
- A Worked Example showing the framework in action
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Frequently Asked Questions About Green Flags in a Friendship
What are the biggest green flags in a friendship?
The biggest green flags are conversational. Look for someone who tells stories with a sense of agency (they're trying to solve their problems, not just complaining), shows humility (they don't give unsolicited advice), and is willing to be vulnerable (they admit their own mistakes). These indicate a growth mindset, which is the foundation of an energizing connection.
What are some red flags to watch out for?
The opposite of the green flags are red flags. This includes constant complaining without any sense of agency, a tendency to always give confident and unsolicited advice, an unwillingness to admit their own flaws, and a conversational focus that is always on surface-level or materialistic topics.
How do you know if a friendship is one-sided?
A key sign is energy drain. If you consistently feel tired after interacting with them, it’s a sign you may be giving more than you’re getting. Another red flag is a lack of reciprocity in conversation—they talk about their problems at length but show little curiosity about yours.
When should you NOT use this checklist?
This checklist is a tool for evaluating the potential for deep, energizing friendships. It is not a weapon for judging casual acquaintances, coworkers, or family members you have to interact with. Not every relationship needs to be a deep connection. Use this framework to decide where to invest your discretionary social energy, not to create conflict in relationships that are functional but surface-level.
Dan Wu, JD/PhD
Lead Innovation Advisor
I help you innovate safely by making sure growth and governance go hand-in-hand.
SVP of Product & Chief Strategy Officer.
- As a go-to-market-focused product leader, I’ve led and launched products and teams at tech startups in highly-regulated domains, ranging from 6 to 8 figures in revenue.
- Led core products and product marketing key to pre-seed to E raises across highly-regulated industries such as data/AI governance, real estate, & fintech; rebuilt buyer journeys to triple conversion rates; Won Toyota’s national startup competition.
Harvard JD/PhD focused on responsible innovation for basic needs.
- Focus on cross-sector social capital formation, with a strong background in mixed-methods research.
- Selected as a National Science Foundation fellow & published on responsible strategy and innovation in outlets like Oxford University Press, Fast Company, and TechCrunch.
First-generation college student prioritizing inclusion and belonging in his practice.
- I was raised by a single mother without a high school degree.
- I’m passionate about mentoring and coaching using methods that “works with” (versus “do to”), sensitive to one’s constraints and experiences.
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